1:12 p.m. I'm still at the Lung Association, on what my aunt calls 'borrowed time'. Technically, last Friday was my last day. But I don't have a job, and Marj hasn't found a replacement.

There were a couple of jobs in the paper that I'm interested in apply for. Tonight I'll get my act together and start applying.

There's so much on my mind that I don't know where to start.

Matt and I had our first major understanding (it wasn't a fight) and most ladies will not understand what happened. Imagine a perfect night: dinner, wine and making love. He was more affectionate than usual and very free with his feelings. Then he went a step too far and killed the night by saying, literally: In the past three weeks, I've been noticing other attractive women. But this week I've been able to put a stop to these thoughts.

Listening to him, I had no idea where he was going with this. I was confused and was wondering what the hell was going on.

He said he wanted to be honest because he feels he can be the most honest with me. That he should be.

Obviously no girlfriend wants to hear that her boyfriend is noticing other women. I'm not naive in that I don't think he looks. I assumed he did but never dwelled on it (if I did, I'd go mad). He claims that he rarely notices other women when he's with someone. He just wanted to say that it was the first time in 9 months.

Yay. Tensioned builds in my room although we both tried to explain how we felt.

M: Do you think I'm still noticing women now?
me: No, you said you stopped it...I believe you.
M: Do you think I'll notice women in the future?
me: I can't control your feelings.

Deep down I thought something was wrong. With me. Perhaps my internal struggles are taking a toll on him? Perhaps I'm not what he wants? Not good enough, etc., etc., etc....
We buried it that night and the next morning I woke up feeling awful.

I delayed writing him an email. I never responded to his email about his blackberry being found (another story there!). Finally, about 3pm I couldn't take it any longer. I wrote a huge email reiterating all that I said the night before and suggested perhaps he shouldn't have said anything at all.
He disagreed and felt he should tell me.
It was huge drama for about 24 hours (drama at my end because I couldn't understand) and was resolved eventually.

Of course, it sit at the back of my mind.

My health. I'm feeling better and had moments where I prolly could've cried my eyes out and didn't. Good sign, I suppose. Definitely not a 100%, but better.

I could've cried but didn't after I got off the phone with an OSAP agent. Turns out that I've paid off my entire Canada loan, but still have $3600 left of my Ontario loan. Nice one. I had my suspicion when I received a stub that just said $0.00 and no additional letter.
I did want to punch the wall, stomp around like a big baby. I'm trying to find a perfect metaphor for paying off this thing. So, I'm back to square one, or at least back to the same stage I was last year this time.

Fawk.

Went for an ultrasound yesterday because my bladder continues to act up. It was weird to have the gel put on with this machine that looked like a vacuum cleaner rub over my lower stomach. I was instructed to drink 5 8 oz glasses of water and hour before. Needless to say the pressure wasn't fun.

Won't get the result till the end of the week.

Matt and I plan to go somewhere in November: Panama, Mexico, somewhere hot and beachy. Up until I found out about my OSAP I was worried about spending too much. Now I don't care since I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Half can go on my credit card anyway.

Now, what would be ideal, and I doubt it's plausible, is to work here (doing admin stuff) till November, or till I leave with Matt. That way I have some sort of income, and won't be completely broke for xmas. Matt offered to pay half because 'no matter what we're going!'.

n@s