1:00 p.m. I made the official move of quitting my weekend job. Yeah, it's like I just started. I know. But I'm beginning to hate it. Dread the so-called weekend because I wasn't going to get a weekend. So two more weekends and that's it. I was going to make it three but remember there's a Christmas party @ the Donshall's that I needn't miss.

I had a hellish last week. Not that anything bad happened, it is all in my head. I'm utterly dissatisfied with myself and where I am. I have no idea where I'm headed and I don't have a focus. I rewrote a list of life's things I want to do and it hasn't changed much since I last wrote one. This just reiterates the need to do something.

*bitch bitch bitch*

I *hate* when I get this way. Friday night when I was doing the dishes mom came upstairs and sat silently at the island table. Nothing was spoken for a few minutes and then she disrupted silence to ask if she could do anything.

I said nothing and broke down in tears. The third time last week I cried...for whatever reason! I couldn't articulate why I was feeling the way I was feeling other than saying I don't know what's wrong with me. That I'm starting to think I'm insane.

She thinks it because I haven't heard from WorldTeach. She says it's because I've been very lucky to get whatever I want when I go for it and thus my having not heard anything has knocked my ego.
I'm not so sure. While it's shitty I haven't heard anything (and thus conclude that I wasn't accepted) it's certainly not the end of the world. Mom says I shouldn't rule anything out. Which is true, I shouldn't but I'd like to 'move on'.

I'm in a state of limbo. I'm working a job that's not exciting me anymore. I'm not getting challenged and feel rather underused. I agreed to stick with the job for a year. Most are saying I should quit and find another job. It's just a job. True, it is.

But I really don't see myself around here next September. Or, rather, I hope I'm not around. So if I quit, I don't want to spare a few months of unemployment hunting for a job. I need all the money I can get to pay of the loan. The sooner, the better. And, I need the $$ for some form of travelling.

I don't have solid plans to look forward to. I've toyed with ideas but I need to get rid of this loan - which I can happily say is only $2500 now. Yee haw!

I actually looked up ship jobs again - remember I swore I wouldn't go back? Now I'm reconsidering.

The feelings I'm experiencing now are feelings, I presume, that I should've gone through in high school. I never really had the 'oh shit, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself' experience. Now I'm getting that and I think it's worse now because I overanalyzing everything and every possible option.

The onset of winter isn't helping either. I want nothing to do with it. I want a house in the caribbean. Right now!

Craziness ensues with another montreal boy (what the hell is it with montreal immigrants!?) who didn't take my internet history lightly. Well, I shared my experience about Matt and Sasha and how easily it is to become emotionally attached to someone you've never met. It came up because he proposed an idea of travelling to South America via car while documenting it through pictures/stories. It's a cool idea, definitely. But I tried to explain I can't just hop in a car with him even though we've been chatting for months. He understood that, but he didn't like the fact that I told him that I believe I will meet Matt and Sasha some day. Wasn't a fan of that and accused me of having too many lovers. Oh the irony of that, eh?

I chatted briefly with Sasha a couple weeks ago. Because I still had this 'package' for him, I asked for his address. He received it today and said he was speechless. I suppose I wanted to rub in the fact that he missed an opportunity. In my own silent way. I know, I'm *so* mature.

I'm just blah. And it's hard to shake this feeling. I was supposed to have an estrogen night this Saturday but cancelled it. It wasn't good timing for most. Hopefully I can find a better time in the New Year.

It's just all routine and when I ask myself what's the point I can never find a satisfying answer. This depresses me.

n@s

3:03 p.m. So where does it all begin?

The past week was a mad week; it felt like one of those midterm + coop interview weeks where I didn't know where I was coming or going.

It began with unusually with a visit from Ryan Sunday night. We haven't seen each other for a couple of years. Nuts. Had a nice visit. Made out for old time's sake (that I don't think'll change).

Work is work. Not that it's incredibly busy. I have an awesome director, but sometimes I question her strategies. Traffic (people coming in regularly for their weigh-ins) is slow; we're not getting the numbers she expects. So we send out flyers to previous clients. This, I feel, is only causing the chase-the-tail effect. We need new clients. We need a frickin' marketing strategy. My co-worker and I chatted up ideas. She says she's tried to approach our boss with ideas but with no success of anything following through.
During our brain storming session, I jotted down everything and casually left it on the desk so our boss could see it. She did but made no mention of it.
She did, however, present some women's expo invite and asked what I thought. Great! It's a weekend affair that'll get our name out. That's in February. Hmmm, it's October. We need our numbers up now or else I'm going to go insane with boredom.
***

I had two interviews this week. One for a p/t job at the gym. Since a friend of mine is the GM, I was granted the job. Sweet. But now this means my social life's going to take a hit. All for sacrifice...I worked my first shift today.

My other interview was with WorldTeach. I finally got a hold of an alum and scheduled an interview in Hamilton. I nailed the interview. I left feeling really good and even more excited about the opportunity.
He showed me pictures of Marshall Islands: the sunsets, classroom, 'homes', students...it's going to be quite an experience to say the least. Quite.
It's something I know I'll love.

Thanksgiving came and went. The usual fare and company - I'll never tire of Thanksgiving for as long as I live.

One thing I am tired of is Oktoberfest. I'm not sure if I'm getting too old for the whole drink-your-face-off or if it's just the venue I went to. I suppose because I was sober the crowd, no - mob, kinda got to me. I waited for everything and at one point cursed my head off when I told Ames the trials I went through just to buy bloody drink tickets.

Remember how I started my week with Ryan? Well, I bumped into Ottawa-Andrew there and ended up staying at his place after. Is there something in the autumn air that brings the old flames around or what? I'm surprised I didn't see Nick...

I'm looking forward to seeing the OES this weekend, but not Oktoberfest. I'll pass on the EIEIEIO!

n@s