9:44 p.m. I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night with a splitting heachache and a meloncholic heart. I knew as soon as I woke up this morning that today would be the day that Ryan and I would 'officially' end.

I drove down to his place and on the ride I tested potential conversations that might be had between him and me. I noted, while I had these potentially schizophrenic happenings in my head, that I still had plenty of anger toward Ryan. I decided, as I sped along the 401, I was going to confront Ryan with my anger. With the music pumping, and coincidentally songs that were about break-ups blared. I was pumped.

I arrived and Ryan seemed different, even before speaking. He was attempting to fix the speakers in his car and when he saw me, he just said 'hi' and turned back to his task. He's lucky I didn't kung foo him on the spot. Holy fuck, I thought. Then, of course in my head, I said you want to play this game? you're playing with the wrong girl; I returned the same cold shoulder.

Finally, Ryan stopped dinking around with his speakers. He looked at me and smiled, gave me a hug and kissed me on the lips. I was shocked, and in a weird way I felt violated and used. As usual, I remained quiet and stashed the incident in the backlog of my brain.

Because it was a beautiful day, Ryan suggested going for a walk. We went and bought slushies at the local Mac's and sat in a park. We talked about nothing special while my head was doing the spinnies. Can Ryan and I work? The intensity we once had was buried under four months of separation.

After the park, we went back to his house and I showed him my PEI pictures. I even showed him who Pete was without indicating the significance.

We decided to pay a visit to the grocery store (we were going to make dinner) but was quickly distracted by a mad make-out session. Okay, not just a make-out session, but there wasn't sex. In fact, we haven't had sex since his visit in PEI.

After that, we no longer felt like cooking (didn't in the first place) and decided to hit East Sides, the scene of the final farewell...well not quite final, but close enough.

The feelings are mutual; we agree we're both quite unhappy and don't know how to make it better. I gave him my emotional synopsis of the summer driving in the point that he was such a bastard...still is. He told me he went on a couple of dates and I blurted out about Pete. He wasn't upset nor surprised. Ryan claims to understand why I did it. That was not the reaction I wanted. At this point, I wanted to hurt him and I didn't succeed.

So picture me and Ryan, in a busy East Sides holding hands and staring at each other as if we were lovers, but we're no longer. Instead, I think we held onto each other because we shared the same confusion. I don't think either of us really wanted to end 'whatever we had' yet neither of us wanted to live with the shitty feelings.

As usual, there wasn't a final conclusion;the end: anti-climatic (as all my relationship seem to end).

I drove home in a daze and a lot less confident that I had done the right thing. I know it's the best. Gotta remind myself that I'm happy with out Ryan, or am I?

~~~~~~~ Fears: Americans' fondness for war Delights: Not feeling particularly 'delightful' tonight Moment of Truth: Dammit. I cannot let this Ryan issue bother me. I deserve better- I think/hope. Where's a Destiny's Child cd when I need it!? n@s